Wicked smaht

yay, good news!

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 01:19:36 GMT

Er... I realize I haven't been on here in a long time... So, anyway, I passed the boards (you can call me DOCTOR!) and I will be graduating in May. At which time I will be moving to Ohio to begin my equine ambulatory internship.... wheeeeeee!!!!! I am so excited!

I'm scared, too, it will have a lot of responsibility and I don't know anyone down there. I never have trouble making friends, but it's still a bummer to leave behind such a tight and old circle of friends behind. I don't see myself returning to MA after this. I'm ready to leave. Plus I have Reynaud's disease (where your fingers go bloodless and numb in the cold) which makes working outdoors with horses in the frigid goddamn weather here impossible.

So... a few more months then, off I go!

cheers

Crunch Time!!!

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 18:42:17 GMT

Well, here it goes... Now begins the last push. I am to sit the boards on Nov. 24 and will do my damndest to stay in this chair, not have a life, no nothing until I have memorized 3 years of vet school in preparation.

oh.
my.
god.

I probably should be more freaked out but really, I have been through so much in the last 6 months that I sort of feel like- well, "f" it... sink or swim. I'm not going to make myself crazy. I know a lot already, I've been reading every night, and reading (maybe mildly) every day or nearly since May. Casually. I have two weeks to really cram it all in. Honestly, I didn't feel it would make a difference to start heavily much before this because really, how much can you retain if you crunch for weeks? I can barely remember my name most of the time.

I'll do ok I think... or I won't. If I don't, I will take it again. (I really really really want to pass... really!)

It's a stupid test anyway. You'd think it was a test ensuring that we are at least functionally competent docs; nope... it's basically Vet Trivia. Yep!! Loads of questions about useless crap that no one needs to know! Know all those questions you get on exams and you say to yourself- why the HELL does anyone give a crap about THIS??? Well- because it is on the boards, that's why. So, nyah.

Sometimes I feel, through all this pressure, hey! I'm smart and people like me, dammit! Why does it have to be so damn hard all the time? I no longer buy the "if it was easy everyone would do it" (no, they wouldn't, it doesn't pay enough and most people don't like dogshit even if they pretend it doesn't bother them).

Ok... enough rant... gonna go get down to it. Boards. Ugh. One last exam EVER!!!!!!!!

oh! It's october!

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 15:47:36 GMT

Well... not having internet at home sure does put a damper on my on-line enabled friendships. I know I've neglected so many people in the rush of clinical year... I feel that entire weeks go by in a blink, where I haven't even spoken to a soul outside of the hospital. I hope you all know that this is not intentional! You are all on my mind! Someday I will restore the great and glorious web of my social life, and that will be fantastic. For now I sweat and slave, learning as much as I can possibly cram into my poor groaning head... and with boards approaching, even if I wanted to take a moment it just isn't possible at all.

So hang in there, good friends! You will see my smiling face again, I swear!

I've got a new home!

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 13:18:56 GMT

Yay! Good news! I came home a little early from my externship (I was too stressed to continue... needed some solace...) and found an apartment right away.

I'm two blocks away from my original place, in a two room studio on the third floor of a house next door to some friends. I love it! It's cute, it's affordable and I'm living ALONE!!!

I have wanted to live alone for some years now, but was too held back by scarcity fear to do it. I loved living with my last housemate- but I decided that if I can't live with someone I love, I will live alone. So when she convinced her boyfriend to move up to the northeast, I knew it was time... and so the search began, and has ended in a lovely place that I adore. I even have a little deck, with a tiny table and chairs... and a hibachi! A little tiny grill! Hooray!

There are still some things I need, and I'm working on refurnishing with the things I need. People have been holding things for me all summer so I am working on getting these things to me, getting stuff set up... it is good to have a home, and a semblance of routine.

So! I hope you will visit me for tea or a beer on my deck! I'm a little busy until August, but by then things ought to settle out a little...

coming up for air...

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 00:24:39 GMT

Hello friends,
It's been some time since I have come on this site to check how you're all doing. I've been working like a dog at my externship, feeling out places to decide where I will go next May in the second leg of my education. It's exciting, exhausting and overwhelming.

I'm tired, people. Totally beat. I'm homesick but have no home. I am coming home a little early to do an apartment search. I'm optimistic, and working on a little positive magic to manifest a comfy and affordable place where I intend to live alone and entertain frequently... it's time I have my own space and place, even if I pay a little more and live dirt cheap. I need some solace and stability in the worst way.

I've got a pretty positive attitude despite it all. It is two months exactly to the day since my apartment burned and my kitties died. I've not lingered in the negative, I've worked hard and accepted help and charity where it has been given. That is not an easy task for one with my pride, believe me. I'm holding up beautifully and even thriving, phoenix that I am. I'm looking at it all the right way and working hard to stay focused.

Still... in the dark hours, when I finally collapse into bed- if sleep does not claim me quickly I sometimes think of what has been lost. I'm ok, really; but wow, I'm tired. Just tired.

I'm not really saying when I will be home because I need all that time to buckle down and find a home. I will be in touch gradually with people when I return in August. I ask you not to be offended if you don't hear from me for a while because I'm overwhelmed with school and finding an internship and studying for boards and add onto that finding a home and furnishings and oh my am I going to have enough cash... oh dear goddess... panic, it has been at bay, but always lurking. As I say, I handle it well but stress is never far from my heart. It's been a whirlwind of a few months, I'll say.

Gypsy in a strange land

Mon, 21 May 2007 22:38:01 GMT

I stood in the parking lot of my friend's apartment building, loading all of my earthly possessions into my car. The sun was finally out after days of rain, and that cheered me quite a bit. Yes- this is an adventure I am embarking on; 10 weeks traveling to horse hospitals up and down the coast- but my heart is heavy with the loss that put me in the position I found myself in. Everything unfamiliar and new except of course the car and the firebox found within it. All of these belongings, hurriedly acquired in the last 3 weeks, don't feel like mine yet.

It all fit, with room to spare. I looked silently into the car feeling just calm and numb; the hysteria has long since passed, and I feel just this strange bewildered sense of shocky calm. My car. Is now my home. My home. Is no more.

What can I say; it's incredibly liberating, to lose all you own. I can start fresh. I can pick and choose the things I want in my life. I don't want to accumulate clutter. I want to remain free and streamlined as this has made me. It is some heavy irony that merely two months ago I was thinking I had too much, I don't want to have to move all of this, look at all these belongings that don't say who I am but say a lot to who I was... want to try something fresh... reevaluate my path... well, that choice of whether or not to let things go has been taken from me. In a flash. I no longer have responsibility to the living creatures that lived with me. This is the part that makes my heart so heavy. My beloved familiars, now gone from this plane. It is what is keeping this from feeling like a crazy fun adventure, because not only is there no home waiting for me, but there are no kitties waiting either.

Oh, I am healing. I laugh a lot, I'm getting focused on the medicine I am learning. I don't feel like dissolving into tears every half an hour. I have moved onward in my program, keeping strong and together. It is getting easier to sleep.

In August when I return it will be time to find a home and rebuild my life possessions again. As I said, though, I have no desire to accumulate things such as I had before. So many folks have been so kind and wanting to give me things, to ease the pain; but truthfully it has caused me a lot of time and grief to give things away. I have no place to put 'stuff'. I will, when I return, need to build up the amenities one needs to live- bed, dresser, kitchen goods and so on- but most of this has been reserved for me from friend's homes, and I feel that with a community such as this, I will not want for anything.

Fire is cleansing as they say. That is so true, and I can attest to that fully. It wiped clean what was my life up to now. Baby pictures, journals, a lifetime's collection of horse books- including all the recent medical additions. It hurts, so hurts. I am the Phoenix now, as has become my mantra... I am the Phoenix, I am rising from the ashes, and I will begin anew. Right now I am suspended on my adventure- in CT as we speak, to go into the hospital in an hour to attend an emergency. It is absolutely amazing, and this is the next step to securing what my future will be. I am enjoying it, thinking and learning... but the future will arrive at some point and I will have to process it some more no doubt.

Burlesque Debut!

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 23:14:54 GMT

Hello friends!
In all my spare time (snicker) I have decided to give Burlesque a try, at the behest of my lovely friend from the Babydolls. If you want to come see, check me out on April 17 at the Paradise!

It's going to be a smokin' good time, I'm very excited... you may be too...

No, I'm still breathing...

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 22:51:24 GMT

Ok, so I've been silent lately, busy like a mad woman. I admit I keep up more on Tribe than I do here (exponentially more friends over there). I am on my second vet school rotation now- Pathology, i.e. glorified butchery. It's disgusting. Just disgusting. So we crank up the disco and go to town. I have re-discovered my love of sharpening knives... I love a nice sharp knife for skinning the dead. I used to love to sharpen my machete to a fine edge when I was in the Peace Corps Panama... my machete was my buddy, still is. Ahhh.

Anyway, I am somewhat enjoying myself. Despite taking apart dead things. Nice thing is I'm doing a little extra thing on the side- learning to rectally palpate mares. Get to stick my arm- up to the shoulder- in a mare three times a week, to track her ovulation cycle. I finally found the right ovary today, a small triumph!

On a cleaner note, I am still working to raise funds for my trip to do relief vet work in the Dominican Republic. I am going for one week, to help spay/neuter/castrate/ whatever else any animal there that gets put in front of us. Whatever needs fixing, help, whatever we can do. One solid week! Yippee! Thing is I need $1200 to do it... and I'm about 1/3 of the way there fundswise. I am working on throwing a fundraising party but have no good venue lined up yet- but I do have djs and even a band. What I really need is help in the planning. I just don't have time to hunt down some place that will give me May 12 evening for free... and let us dance until 2 am. At the earliest. Cuz baby, I wanna dance all night long.

I know of several possibilities... but hey, if you have any suggestions, send them my way.

Send me your gossip! Your news! Your solicitations! Just not your Avon ladies!
ok!
J

yay, clinics!

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 23:40:26 GMT

It has only been two days but already I feel my brain creaking with the weight of more knowledge... ahhhh!!! I've been waiting for this, a chance to put what I know to use. Oh believe me I feel pretty dumb not knowing so much, but that comes with time. I've only just begun! Yay!

So. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I am to the hospital and home, collapsing after without a shred of energy left in me. The horses get it all.

No More Exams!!!!

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 23:17:00 GMT

YIPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!

All done... except for boards... no more goddamn nit-picky vet school exams! It's clinics for me baby!

Yeah! Three years of hard ass work- all done! One more year to go!

wheeeee!!!!

I will be available for tea, drinks, going-out and meals all next week as it is also my spring break. Stay tuned!

Snow saga, part II

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 23:06:48 GMT

Today I wanted to go XC skiing, for a study break. The weather had warmed up a little, taking the icy edge off the old crusty snow; slush is a lot kinder to the skier than ice. I get going too quick on ice and start feeling my mortality...

So I decided, since I have heard nothing about how the ski mobile incident came to a close, to go check out the burned out mansion in daylight and see for myself. I took my camera to see... I have pics but I can't post them here right now because my LJ keeps crashing (mrr!)

I parked at the entrance and got out my skiis. It was warm enough that I only wore a light windbreaker over my ski pants. At the trail head was a giant sign with the silhouette of an ATV and a "NO!" red circle/slash over it. So I started to wonder... hmm... how did he get that dead sled out of there after all? There were no tracks at the trailhead; only foot prints, and a light dusting of snow covered the old tracks from our adventure.

The skiing was fine, really fine. The snow was still icy under the trees, but for the most part it was slushy in some spots and still fresh powder to the sides of the trail. That made me awfully happy.

Just as I came up the rise where I could see the chimneys to the old mansion, I noted that coming from a trail off into the woods were a lot of ATV tracks. Clever! They did not take the trial head, and avoided the "NO!" sign altogether. clever indeed. The tracks went up to the mansion and beyond, down into the field.

I stopped first at the mansion to eat my apple and take some pictures. It made a different sight in the broad daylight, compared to midnight last week. It was desolately beautiful...

I followed the ATV tracks down to the field. As I crested the hill, I could see the spot where it had lain, and it was empty. I coasted down there anyway to get a look, and saw what I expected; tracks all around where the machine had died, and back out again. What a fun boy-adventure that must have been; a bunch of dudes on ATVs hauling a dead sled out of the woods. I wished now that I had his number or he mine, I would have loved to be part of that. Loved it.

Instead, I took note and was glad, and skiied out. The sun was bright and warm, and felt good on my bare head; I got the exercise I needed today and some answers as well...

Wild Midnight Ride

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 23:03:36 GMT

I got home at 10:30 and found him outside the garage, smoking a cigarette. I can't help it- I always feel a little giddy around him... he's no good for me, not even they type of guy I *should* want like this, but there it is. Although I had every intention of going to bed, I found myself going into the garage to chat with him. Next thing I knew I was being offered the ride I've been begging for since August- a dark of night ride, with him, on the snowmobile.

Giddy, I ran into the house and threw on all my snow gear, Michelin Man'd to the max. When I came out he was ready to go, bundled up as well, with a helmet ready for me. Within moments I had Bud Lites (barf! but he insisted)in my pocket and was mounted up behind him.

He started out across the iced over pond in the backyard, slow and steady, testing me out to see if I knew how to ride. Being a passenger on one of those things is a lot like being a motorcycle passanger; something you have to know how to do to stay safe and have a good time. I gripped his hips with my knees, wrapped my arms around his waist and let my body follow his.

The trails were amazing, and extensive. We passed over the tracks and maybe one or two roads, but for the most part the trails went for miles through woods, next to fenced in industrial lots, and everywhere in between. He went gingerly at first, slowing down to check with me now and then, putting a hand on my knee reassuringly every once in a while.

Then we got onto the lake. A huge lake bordering Worcester and Rt.20. As it was one long sheet of solid ice, smooth as silk, we flew across it... it was incredible. We stopped in the middle of the lake, where he turned the machine off so we could relax for a little while. He said we had been going 100 mph on the lake... I believe it.

He cracked open a beer,and bade me to do the same. When I went to wrinkle my nose he said, "Oh no you don't. You want the experience, you get the whole thing." So I fished the beer from my pocket and sucked it down. It made me laugh- beer flavored soda, as I call it. He made fun of the beer I made him try this past summer; Fin Du Monde, Trois Pistoles, dark lovely bread beer. Mmmm...

Then he said, "It's your turn to drive." I went to protest but he wouldn't have it. "Here, on the lake! There's nothing to hit, nothing to worry about. Gas, brake. Don't turn to fast, lean like you're on a motorcycle. Nothing to it. I'll sit right behind you and take the handles if it gets too crazy for you." We mounted up, our roles reversed. At first I went gingerly about the lake, then experimented with more speed. It was so much fun. Then he reached around me and gripped the gas, and we were flying along the lake- this time with the wind coursing along my face... amazing. I laughed the whole time.

We switched seats again, and made our way off the lake and along more trails. He was taking more chances now, feeling more secure about my ability to stay on and stay with him. Before I knew it we were stopped again, this time at a Wildlife Refuge, next to a burned down mansion. All that remained was the chimney. It was amazing. Here we stayed to chat a while and have another 'beer'. I jumped up and down to get feeling in my toes, and had to go through the ridiculousness that is winter peeing as a girl. (Double your fun with snow pant suspenders under your jacket... good times.) We sat comfortably on the machine just chatting, and I realized we could talk more than I had expected; he is not as dumb as he comes off, it turns out. The butterflies had settled somewhat but the charge was in the air, on his part as well as mine; he's too shy and too polite to act on what I could taste in the air. I let it be, not wanting to spoil the friendship and the fun.

I will admit here and now I have daydreamed of the adventure for some time, and did occasionally add in some naughty bits. But we were good.

We mounted again to go. As we turned about in the mansion's old abandoned fields, suddenly the machine died and refused to be resurrected. The engine had seized, suddenly, with a *pop!*. It was suddenly quiet in the field, in the woods... nothing. He tried to get it going- nothing. Miles from home.
"My cell phone's almost dead, do you have yours?" He asked.
No. Of course not. That would be too much like smart.

"I've got one call left... one call." He did just that- called the one person he knew would bail us out, his best friend and my neighbor, the whole reason I know this man I found myself standing next to in the frigid air, in a field in the dark behind a burned out manse. That's life for you.

He agreed to come get us... but we had a mile or so walk back to the road.

It was all apologies after that. I was nonplussed, however, smiling as ever; this is all part of the adventure, I said. He didn't know how to respond to that. Most girls he knows would have been ranting and raving, all pissed off. I smiled serenely and said I felt bad that his machine was dead. I've got strong legs, I'm young, I'm bundled up and only a mile away from the nearest home; I've got nothing to be sad about.
Besides- we agreed- it gives us a chance to talk.

So off into the night we walked, my arm through his, listening to our snow pants chafe. We followed some hefty buck tracks up the trail towards the road, and talked of all sorts of things. At the road, our friend was not there. We began to feel perhaps our friend rolled over and gone back to sleep. Suddenly the possibility that we could crash at his apartment dawned in his mind- of the two, his place was closer (4 miles?). I laughed, still serene. This is when my grandmother's spirit dawns in me; take things as they come, no need to stress how life is going. If it happens, it happens; things go as they should.

We began to walk on the road, but were not far when headlights overtook us and our friend arrived. The hope of a good snuggle with me did not die in his eyes... he asked if I might stay and I laughed, telling him school beckoned and with it, normal life.

I did not sleep that night, however; giddy as a schoolgirl and too full of thoughts. I have not had such an irrational crush in many many years. It's refreshing, really. I did not think I could still go there in my heart. Countless times since summer I have scolded my heart and my groin- how could you betray me like this, falling for a man like that? How? I have no choice in the matter in terms of feeling and attraction, it seems. I will not give in, that is where choice lies; but I can savor the crush, and the way it makes me feel alive. I will wait for the knock on my door when he comes to tell me how he rescued the machine, and I will laugh at the butterflies with wonder.

Holy Exploding Washing Machine, Batman!

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 21:27:17 GMT

I got home from the gym, tired but happy; it was still early in anyone else's book. I was standing at the stove, absently making oatmeal. The kettle was close to a boil. I'm no good until I have had breakfast (doesn't matter that I just sweat my ass off at the gym... don't need to be awake from that.)

Roomie had to go into the wildlife clinic at the ass crack of dawn to work; clever her, though, she got a leg up on chores and threw a load in the washer before she left.

So anyway, I'm stirring oatmeal when the washer goes from SUCK TO BLOW.

HOLY SHNICKLES!!!

It went into the rinse phase and suddenly there was a tsunami running in two directions... into the kitchen and into the bathroom.

eeeeeeeekkk!!!

I dropped my spoon, cats exploding in all directions. I jumped on the washer and did my best Little Dutch Boy imitation- I reached for the offending pipe and tried to make something (anything!) happen... it stopped for 2 seconds, enough to take a breath, then exploded around my hand. Water to the ceiling. Wheee!!! So finally the brains kicked in and I shut off the water switch; realized that wasn't the problem... so I got a clue (finally) and turned off the washer.

I grabbed every towel I could reach- off the stove handle, off the rack in the bathroom and threw down.

Water.
Was.
Everywhere.

Oh- and cat hair, and Jess hair, and Alyssum hair- cuz, well, I haven't swept in a couple of weeks, OK?

Then I called the landlord and made it HIS problem. He was out in the garage...
"Hey, Jay!! Help! The washer exploded! I'm drowning!"

He was there in no time with a giant pile of towels from the shop and helped me mop up...

So it turns out that the fact that it went down to zero last night froze the pipe and blocked it up, so the water had no where to go except all over my kitchen. Joy! Well- it's rigged until spring to unload
ALL OVER THE LAWN.

Ahem.

Well, at least it won't be where I get my socks soggy. Nothing like an explosion before breakfast to get ya all pumped up!

What a night!!!

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 14:57:15 GMT

Months of planning, meetings, chasing money... schmoozing the Dean, the Alumni president, everyone else I could get ahold of... it finally came, the banquet night!

It was wonderful. Everything went without a hitch, as planned. I made sure to have a particularly delicious chocolate martini before things got going, to lubricate my social graces so to speak (not that they need help...) After all, I hosted the party and was the MC of the evening. There were about 400 people there... all the classes, their dates, faculty and staff, all celebrating the graduating class of 07. Wow!

Next year it will be me! Next year the party will be for my class... and I can sit back and enjoy it, and let someone else do the planning.

The music was great, the food was wonderful, the service excellent. So much went wrong last year, which is why I was driven to run it this year. I wanted to make sure we had good music and everything under control. We (the committe and I, I was the chair) did an excellent job. So much work! So worth it!

I brought my two loves with me, Amanda and Richard. They looked stunning. They were both wearing black- so people thought we planned it (if you'll note, I was wearing a luscious red velvet gown...). Nope! It was a blast though, completely.

The only bad thing was that I had recieved a thank you bouquet from the class officers; the flowers were all wrapped in paper, on my table. Sometime during the dancing at the end of the night some choad ripped apart my bouquet and threw the flowers all around the dance floor. I didn't see it happen... I came back to my table to find my friends in dismay; they didn't reach the guy in time to stop him. The flowers were all over the place, ground into the floor. *sniff!* They were upset and said they wanted to make it up to me. I just couldn't believe it, really. Who would do that? Sheesh.

Anyway, I haven't gotten much sleep in the last couple of days, so I'm going to crash hard sometime today... blissfully, peacefully, the work is done and I have no more responsibility.

Happy VD folks!

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 13:53:02 GMT

In the spirit of VD, I shall wear red. Bright, happy, throbbing red. Indeed!

Gone are the days of the twentysomething anarchist who wore black and scorned the world on this day (Remember Saint Valentine, you gluttonists!) while secretly eating the chocolate covered cherries my mom got me... heh heh... hey, everyone has to have a cause.

Nope, I wore pink yesterday and today, I'm all for red and rose.
Rose petal wine and chocolate, cherries, red lips... ooooh, divine!!! Today I will be Godiva. Without the sugar, of course.

My message today is that it's all about the love. Love is not just who you get to fool around with. Love is the people who surround you, care for you, spend time with you, call you up and tease you. Joke with you. Think fondly of you. This day is for those people. So- you: I love you, and thanks for riding this lovely green and blue ball with me!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Feeling better, at last!

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 15:41:01 GMT

This morning was the first morning in a week that I did not emerge climbing through a snot-hazed fog to feign awakeness...
No indeed!

My 'morning person' brain was back to its old golden retriever self this morning:
"Oh, I'm awake, look! The sun! Oh, oh! Oooooo, I'm hungry. Oh what do I want to eat? Oh! I have to add this fact to my CV! Oh, maybe I can go to the gym! Oh boy! Hey! I don't need a tissue!"

The cat, of course, opened one eye and gave me the finger with just a look as only cats can do.
Fahk off, I was sleepin here.

Anyway I'm not completely clear but waaaaay better.

See, yesterday I spent the day high by accident. Oh, I should know better...
The night before I was sick (literally and figuratively) of being unable to sleep because my head still had an elephant attached to it. So I was rummaging around in my vitamins and found- dun, dun duhhhhh... cyclobenazapine! Ooooo, a muscle relaxant, I seem to remember this knocked my ass out last time.

Oh, but what did the wee foggy brained faerie forget??
Yes, that it knocked my ass out for 24 hours. Just like nyquil.

But conveniently enough I did not remember, as the elephant was pumping snot into my head and I couldn't string together a coherent sentence (not even lying.) I had to do SOMETHING; I had a test on Monday and needed some sleep.

Well- I took one eentsy weentsy little pill, and yay! passed out cold.
Problem is... the next morning, palm trees had sprouted from my ears and there were cute Hawaiian girls dancing on my eyebrows... oh, the music... to die for...
Yeah, so that was the mellowest exam experience ever. Thankfully it was only Econ, something I didn't bother studying for cuz there's no point (a monkey could do it...) But needless to say, every time I tried to have a conversation, people would look perplexed after a time and wander off. I was very confused all day.

One friend said she could see what I'd be like as an old lady, with a glass of peppermint schnapps and my little pill box, telling bizarre stories that don't make sense. Quaint. I like it. Only if I can have kitchen curtains with ducks on them.

Oh, it's apparent I'm not out of the weeds yet, eh? But I'm getting there. Loopiness is a sign of a happy mind.

aaargh- 'ex' frustration...

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 22:01:51 GMT

Ok, so I get to vent here because my ex G is not on LJ, nor are any of his close friends. We share friends on tribe, so I am disinclined to express any of this there; word travels. Most folks know that I have been very caring and understanding of him, giving him lots of space and so forth.

But he's such a GODDAM DRAMA QUEEN!!!!!!!!

He's worse than a chick in high school, I swear! I mean, I can gracefully attend social gatherings where he is and just ignore that he's there, giving him room to do whatever. But he'll sulk, and watch me, and put out 600 mega watts of energy that I can FEEL (I swear, palpably, as if it were physical). So I have decided it's best if we don't attend the same events or parties.

This doesn't often pose a problem, as I'm usually too busy to be able to attend most things. That's fine. There's only been conflict in this way a small handfull of times. I'm often the one to accomodate though, because...

HE'S A GODDAM DRAMA QUEEN!!!!

Yes, he's going through a divorce. The depression of that (and more if you ask me) is crushing him. That's why I left- I'm young, beautiful, energetic and deserve to have a good time. Not be dragged down under someone else's gray cloud!
Anyway, because this depression is crushing him, he feels it's ok to be a social vampire and suck everyone else dry. He nearly sucked me dry too, but I managed to leave- I didn't run away, I held out for three frickin years before I realized it was BAD for me... Recently he accused me of running away and leaving him when he needed a friend the most, so I cut him off. I told him to never contact me again. I felt falsely accused, and wrongly misjudged, and sick of the drama and BS...

So now, as a result, he sulks worse than ever because I've cut him off from his monthly dramatic full moon phone call. Yes- he would call me on each full moon to 'connect' and 'remember' his magic as this is something in my ability, apparently, to help him with. Well, now he's even more hurt and broken, because I stood up for myself. So where it was only sort of uncomfortable before, now he's making a big goddam deal of it in public.

For example: an invite for a friend's birthday. Apparently I hit the RSVP before he could. So he signed off as a 'no- sharing common space hurts me to the bone... I shall have to decline, but wish you warm blessings from afar..."

oh, BOO HOO!!! Act like a grown man, not a damn baby! This person is 48 years old, going on 10! I broke up with him ELEVEN MONTHS AGO FER CRISSAKES!!!!!! I mean, I know I'm special and my pussy is coated in gold, but really! This is too much. Too frickin much. My friends tell me what he whines about every opportunity he gets, when he's high at parties... I am sick to death of it, get over it, you're in the homestretch with the damn divorce, pull your head out of your ASS and GROW!!!! MOVE ON!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Yes, I'm a little frustrated. I mean it has been nearly a year. I hung on with this man, really making sure I wasn't just running away. I did everything I could to remain his friend after the fact but he feels robbed because I took away 'my magic' from his life. I'm sorry, but I had to move on; I'm happier now away from the dark cloud. Yes, it hurts me sometimes still because we had quite a fierce connection; but I'm not actively moping about it a year later.

Alright... there's more, always more, but I've run out of steam. I'm so tired of being this man's point of pain. So tired of it. Makes me want to leave the state forever. grrrr!

Elephant on my head?

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 17:42:17 GMT

Hey, could someone get this elephant off my face, please?

I have my *first ever* sinus infection. No one told me how much fun this would be! Wow! I'm so excited, with the strange loopy high its given me, the odd pressure on my face that turns metallic (I don't know how else to describe it) when I lie down... wow. My eyeball feels 'sensitive' (no, not like "honey, I'm concerned about your orgasm", more like, WHO THE FUCK POURED BATTERY ACID IN MY EYELIDS?)

So what do I do? Tuesday, before I figured it out, I just had really sensitive skin around my left eye. WTF? So then I felt like there was somthing going on in the bone...huh... wonder if it's my sinuses? So I percussed them. I mean, that's how we can tell with horses, initially, if they've got snot blocks in their sinuses- tap on their heads and listen. Well guess what! I percussed the left and the right, and the left was definitely more solid. I felt cool, under the pain I caused.

I went to the lamest most robotic doc on the planet, and he gave me a perscription for antibiotics. Those mo-fos just throw antibiotics at everything, despite the fact that resistance to drugs is becoming more common. You fool! When I said, "so, you think it's bacterial?" he was startled out of his patterned boring routine, and I think I f'd him all up... he didn't know what to say... in fact, every time I asked an intelligent question (well, I AM going to be a doctor...) I totally threw off his groove. Ha!

Anyway- I decided not to go get high off pseudoephedrine, and stuck to phenylephrine instead, to relieve the congestion. This is a boat load of fun, let me tell you. Wheeeee! I wonder- when does the snot part start? Oh, I can't *wait* for that... heh...

TMI... head groaning...

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 02:05:21 GMT

ooooo.... I've got a headache, quite a headache.

My exam went well... I feel like I didn't study enough (only got in 2.5 study days of 12 hours each rather than the usual 4 16 hour days... feeling kinda lazy lately) but I think I kicked its ass. That's good.
Then two hours of horse leg injuries- making a total of 24 hours of class time devoted solely to injuries of the LEGS. yes, people, the LEGS. LEGS. Horses, medically speaking, are like giant fragile legs with equally fragile bellies propped a'top. I mean, you could do almost anything to a cow and she'd walk away fine; barely clean open abdominal surgery? Sure! Stick a catheter in wrong, pump in drugs where they aren't supposed to go? Hey, no problem! But you look even sideways at a horse and imagine the procedure going wrong, and they're suddenly crippled, or colicky, or worse. Oy vey. Not even joking.

So, yeah, I want to work in equine medicine for the rest of my life. And more specificially, I want to be a lameness specialist. So needless to say, the last string of equine medicine have been incredibly interesting for me... which is good, because they have been daunting, grueling and incredibly wordy. Not good in terms of what the exam is going to look like, nor my brains at the end.

Oh yeah, speaking of brains. So anyway, two hours of horse leg problems, then a lunch time talk about emotional intelligence. Hey, I may not be smart in too many things, but I have definitely got my sh*t together in this department. Yay!

So then, a laboratory with tables and tables of horse legs from 1-5 where we got to play with legs learning how to do injections (nerve blocks, joint blocks), fix tendons, put in bone screws and plates, all that groovy stuff. We got to look at xrays, and palpate live horses (they are thoughtfully hidden behind some curtains so they don't have to see the dead horse legs). Don't worry though- the whole reason I applied to Tufts and no where else is because all the animals we use in our labs are donated! yay! They were being euthanized and their incredibly kind owners let us use them to safely practice proceedures (well, better to learn nerve blocks on dead legs than to cripple a live horse for life, eh?).

By the middle of lab I had a roaring headache. Too. Much. Information. Head. Bursting. To. Pieces.

groan.

But... my class officers, they're clever. That's one of the most grueling days so far this year, so they threw us a happy hour at the local pub. I went straight there and got a Sam's Winter, 16 oz, and ate lots of disgusting pub food. Mmmmm! so, I am still headachey but care less, and about to crash into bed.
thud.
g'night!

gooey eyeballs

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 22:24:10 GMT

ugh... I've been studying non stop for tomorrow's exam for a few days now. I hate to say it- but here it comes- I'm up to my eyeballs. Which is gross because I'm studying ophthalmology.

How is it one subject can be both incredibly disgusting (and therefore, for me, interesting) and horribly dull at the same time? Oh yeah, they manage it. It's like choking down brick dust for dinner. Mmmmmm. Tasty.

The pictures are what keep me going though, they are quite nasty... melting corneal ulcers? Makes me want some nice gooey mac n cheese for dinner. I think I'll go get some now.

hey- you gotta be a little bit sick to survive vet school, you know?
I can't wait till this one is over, though, ophtho is not my favorite subject.

Can you say 'refer'???

Happy!! Snow!

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 03:11:00 GMT

This morning... I woke up at 8:30, the sun making my gold curtains glow. I was firmly pinned into the bed by my solid rock of a cat Shammy, and I did stay there for a bit, when suddenly I remembered...

IT SNOWED!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

I jumped out of bed, threw on my sporty bunny outfit- little tight stretch pants, long sleeved shirt, wool socks, snow pants, windbreaker, elf hat, turtle (neck warmer), waterproof mittens... and...

My skis!!! Yay!

Me and my XC skis went across the street and behind the little elementary school. The sun was just starting to warm things up a bit, softening the three inches we got. It was lovely under the trees. I have backcountry skis for this very reason- to trail blaze on the freshies, going wherever I please.

The only hitch is that despite the fact that I've been skiing for 7 years now, I'm basically self-taught. The first month I tried it out was with my ex, who was a ski (downhill) instructor; he taught me the basic stroke, balance, and wide turns on golf course hills. Beyond that though I've been on my own. In big wide open fields with hills I'm great, I crouch and tuck and have a blast.

When it comes to the woods though, I get into trouble a bit- little downhills that turn at the end, complete with trees all around- and you've got me squealing in fear, pitching myself into the shrubberies rather than cracking my skull on pine trees... it is not a pretty sight. Oh, I'm so graceful on the straightaway, or the small straight hills! Lovely form, good speed, wonderful balance. I'm a mess on the hills. An absolute mess. I had to take my skis off at one point because I chickened out.

I really need to learn the telemark turns, badly. I want to be graceful all the way. It's kind of ridiculous, the way I have to ski, I mean, really. It's silly. There's a trick to it, I just don't know what it is. And since we haven't gotten squat for snow, this year or last, I'm rusty. Yeah- last year I went out all of three times, because most of the time it was so icy under the snow I didn't dare. The thought of a cracked skull or two months in a cast doesn't do it for me. I enjoy the sport because of the peace I get from it, not because I'm macho. In case you were wondering.

So- if you know anyone who can teach me telemark turns, I'm all ears.

For now though, I'll poke along the woods at my own pace, looking for wide open hills so I can rush down them
"wheeeee!!!"
and carry on all graceful-like.
heh.

Ok- time for bed... I've been studying eyeballs all damn day. I know most of you are at a party I was supposed to go to (mrph!!!) and I'm sad I couldn't be there. Very sad. But I've been extremely busy this week, too much going on, and not exactly psyched to dig into this ridiculously boring exam... so... see you at the next one, I guess.

S.A.D. or pulling my head out of my ass...

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 14:09:48 GMT

Sick and tired of moaning...
I am not usually the type of person to wallow in the mud of my own making. Complaining makes me feel crazy; I usually give myself 24 hours to feel bad about anything, and then start to actively fix things or work on reminding myself of my true sunny fey nature.

It's been hard lately, and I feel bad about it, knowing the burden it can cause on loved ones, friends and (to a much lesser degree) family. I'm no dummy; I know that long term 'bad feelings' can be physiological and therefore somewhat out of one's control. I also know that there are things about one's daily life and environment that affect all the factors involved.

I used to suffer from SAD as a youngster. When we figured out what it was, I started using full spectrum light bulbs and took up cross country skiing. Actually, the cross country skiing pretty much solved the problem; I was getting exercise, sweating in the sun, absorbing all that lovely sunlight and making vitamin D. Nothing in the world like exploring the quiet snow laden woods on skiis to put me completely right.

It worked so well, in fact, that I haven't thought about it for years.

So this year I am suffering again. I've tried to think of all the factors that make me grumpy- is my diet ok? Am I getting enough protein, vitamins, minerals? I'm exercising enough- indoors at the gym! However I've been feeling weaker and more and more grumpy, less able to handle whatever bumps life hands me. What the hell is going on???

Oh yeah.

NO GODDAM SNOW.

No snow means no xc skiing, and no xc skiing means I'm content to stay inside. For the first time in 7 years. No. Outdoor. Exercise.

Wow!!! All the kale in the world won't fix that! Wahh! I want snow! Goddamn global warming!

Funny- on our next exam (ophthalmology) we've been told it is mandatory to watch "An Inconvenient Truth" by Al Gore, and that there WILL be questions on it on the exam. Ok, no problem, I want to watch it anyway. I have a feeling that it is going to really piss me off. I have never, in my 30 years as a New Englander, experienced such a lack of snow. I remember the blizzard of '78, I have pictures of me on the incredible plow piles. Wow! We have not seen snow like that in a long time. Maybe 5 years ago, in Northampton (when I got to xc ski all over down town at night... joined only by other skiiers, and snow shoers- totally magical).

I want snow! I want to feel better!
Jake suggested walks, mandatory walks despite the cold, just to feel better. Ok. I'll do it. I hate being grumpy and snarly and surly, no one likes a surly Jess. I'm much more fun when I'm my usual trouble making fey self.

ok- that's all for now... four more exams to go, life is good, nothing to REALLY complain about here... it's all in your head!

stressed out

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 17:56:27 GMT

So I just got the latest exam back. I am no longer able to pull the grades I used to. Everyone says- grades don't matter. Ok, sure, they don't. But they do when you feel like you are working your ass off, and are somewhat measured against this goddam number. I am really really unhappy right now; I'm not looking for anyone to uplift me, it's just where I am at. I am angry, upset, sad, wanna scream and throw things.
eeeeerrrrrrggggg!!!!!
I just don't have the attention span or concentration I used to. I've been taking an exam per week for three solid years now. No, I'm not exaggerating. No matter how smart I am, I am just ALL DONE and don't wanna do anymore.

I'm also premenstrual, and that's not helping in the least.

Wanna know what sucks??? We did an ophthalmology surgery lab today (on pig eyes pinned to a board, mmmmm). I'm very very good at it. Very good. Nearly faultless, on the first try. And I can never ever be a surgeon- cuz my grades SUCK. Plain and simple. Maybe I'm not smart enough, I dunno. What I am is unable to concentrate and focus on test after test for this long, I just can't. I have reached burn out. The worst part is feeling apathetic about it. Do I really fukin care if I keep going? (Of course I do, but I am tired of being beaten down.)

I hate that I studied for 4 solid days, didn't go out, barely talked to anyone, and got a fukin 69. I hate it. I hate it hate it hate it. Then of course, when one thing goes wrong it starts to snowball- especially when one is PMSing, already sensitive, cranky whatever... in starts the "you're just not smart enough" then the "oh and you're gaining weight cuz you eat like crap when you study" and of course "you are gonna suck in clinics because you're dumb, have no good ideas and have a brain like a seive."
yeah. real helpful.

I can thank my asshole ex stepfather for the 'you're dumb and fat' mentality... that's precisely where it comes from. thanks a lot, shitbag.

grrrr.
grrrr!!!

So yeah- I'm working the flea this weekend, but am thinking of bagging the whole thing because I will want to be there Saturday, am depressed and unhappy and will be forced to pretend like I'm awesome and everything is fine. Oh, I'm good at that- if I don't want you to know I feel that life sucks, you won't know it. But I'm exhausted and I think I am unable to maintain the cheer- sorry. Sorry!
I dunno. Now I'm just bitching, just straight from depressed brain onto keyboard, one long stream of angry vomit. Oh well, fuck it, I'm not always little miss sunshine, blowing happiness out my ass... I have crappy days, and here they are.
grr.

CoSM

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 22:38:06 GMT

Was amazing. As usual.
I danced until 5 am... once I get going, I can't stop. wheeee!
I went with a lovely group of friends, and we moved as a pack all night long. It was a bit surprising to me to see how many underage kids were there, and I had a bit of a hard time with it; it wasn't that packed on Halloween, when the crowd was more sparse and older. This time I felt more wary, and aware of where my belongings were at all times- I brought all my play poi, and my new silk flags; and a lot of the young kids were tripping or what not, and I didn't trust them to be in their right minds. Yes, I was worried about my things growing legs and walking off. It happens. All too often.

Regardless though, I had an excellent time. I got to bond more with some people that I have come to really appreciate. I got to dance to some premier trance djs.. yay!

Another wonderful thing is that my connection to A has grown as well, and it was nice to see that the feeling is mutual. We're both in this giggly shy stage, where we know how we feel but we're taking it slow. I got to spend all weekend with her, and I have the warm and fuzzies! Hee hee!

Jake is back... I'm expecting him here any minute, so we can have some dinner and talk about his trip. I can't wait! It's been a little odd going for all this time without his company. I'm jonesing. It's so nice to miss someone.

That's all for now...

mmrrph!

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 22:10:04 GMT

Everyone is grumpy (Friday/tired) and I wanted to see what my grumpy emoticon looks like, so hence the post. I'm not actually grumpy. Exhausted, yes; I stayed up until 11 cramming colic surgery into my brain, got up at 6 and continued... wheeee! Then had to endure 2 solid hours of vet economics... uuuuuggggghhhh. So yes- a wee bit tired. But not actually grumpy. Gonna join the grumpy club anyway for fun.

Off to do some ophthalmology homework, then sew a sassy costume bit for tomorrow's appearance at CoSM, and off to see my favorite redhead! yay me!